It's Better To Burn Out...

Well Well Well

2008-08-07T18:27:13Z

It's been quite the uneventful summer. My mother lost her job at mystic, so she's been hanging around with me a lot. I haven't seen a lot of my friends, or not as much as i'd like to. started answering phones at the tin shed because they decided to stop delivery. i've been a take out bitch all summer. pretty gay job. but it puts money in my poccccket. i really just look forward to spending time with my lady.. which is grand, because we're still good. trips me out how long it's been.

i was debating going back to school... but really didn't want to, so looks like i'm not going back until january. if that. and for photography? who knows. i don't know what i want to do anymore. lame.

going to my aunt's cabin with my ma, pa and girly for a couple of days next week.
very happy about that. yes indeed.

Life is a Scam.

2008-05-08T17:58:17Z

Life is such bullshit. I wish i was in high school again. When i was stressed about redundant tests and pointless learning. Maybe i should have stayed in real high school, and not gone to the Co op. But then.. i don't know, i'd be entirely different, or i'd like to think i would be. I probably wouldn't smoke so much damn pot. However, i'd rather smoke pot than be popping pills like my generation.

Gas is too expensive. Life is too expensive. Everything costs so much money, that i don't have. I'm in debt to my parents and my girlfriend. I'll always be in debt to my parents. It's sad that i have to live off their money.. i'm fortunate to have parents with good paying jobs.

College is a scam. You have to borrow money to go, and while going, it still costs money. More and more and more money. All the time. I bought my three books for $310, i sold them back for $101. I've got a debt to some bank i don't even know for like.. $2,000. Fortunately i didn't go to a more expensive school. But then again, if i did, maybe i'd be happier with my education.. Who the fuck knows..

Perhaps i should have kept my 30 hrs a week, wake up at the crack of dawn for an oil company. $200 paychecks were great, for the three i managed to get. Even though they fucking ripped me off on the full week of work i was there. Probably taxes. Taxes are a scam.

How the fuck can this country revolve around money that isn't backed by anything. It's worthless. How long until everyone is fucked? I feel like i should get rid of my cell phone to save money. I feel like i should sell my car, and buy a bicycle. Take the bus. Everywhere. But i don't know where the fuck i can go, because everything is scheduled, and even though buses are scheduled, they are really never on time.

I feel pretty pathetic today.
And i have to spend more and more money.
Today. I'm paying Linda back some amount.
I have to put gas in my car to get to Minneapolis.
And i probably have to pay for parking.
Oh yes, what a great fucking feeling.

I need a better job. Maybe i could start answering phones at the Shed. Or hosting. Both jobs pay $9 an hour. But i really don't like the Shed enough.. to be there.. all the time.

I love how many regrets i have.
What a wonderful feeling.

I'm done with my math class.
I have a late assignment to turn into my Intro to Prof. Photo on Monday.
I have a final print to go and get for my Design Class.. even though i don't really like any of the 36 frames i shot.
And i must go buy more photo paper, and mounting board...
For my black and white class that i nearly gave up on and i'm trying to finish, REAL QUICK..

Why do professors have to SUCK?!
Why does the world have to be so sad?..

Fuck.

As Long As You're Happy

2008-05-01T16:04:21Z

Last Friday Linda and I went to see Margaret Cho at the Orpheum. Linda got really great seats, as usual, because she's awesome!.. The show was hilarious. Some of the jokes i've heard before, but most of the act was new to my ears. We showed up a little bit late, and there were lots of homosexual men, more than dykes i'd like to say. It was almost the opposite effect of an Ani show.. same typical crowd though. I've been so preoccupied with school, and my own little life to remember what it's like to be a part of the gay community. I'm looking forward to pride. The week of the year where you see everyone you've seen everywhere else, and they'll only acknowledge you if you fucked 'em. Hahah. Just kidding. Anyways...

We also went to see Cloud Cult at First Ave on saturday. That was probably the highlight of my weekend, besides spending time with my lady. The violinist. <3 I love fiddles! What can i say? It was kind of funny because we brought Blake. Blake is more so into metal, and what not, so to have him standing there listening to cloud cult, was.. honestly priceless. Fortunately, Blake's got mostly an open mind and he enjoyed their music.

My lady is quitting smoking cigarettes. She quit around this time last year too. Wow. A year and some odd months. Insanity. She wants me to quit cigarettes too. And i'm down, but it's going to be hard, and i know this. I smoke too much, and everyone i knows smokes too much too. And my mom is a chimney. And i've gotten so into the habit of smoking at different points of the day... it'll be fantastic to quit. FANTASTIC. Quit spending money on ciggs. Quit having sinus infucktions. Quit smelling like nastiness. Quit smoking. This is my challenge.

Another challenge is challenging myself to redefine my passion for photo. I've gotten so sick of every technical aspect my technical college has "taught" me. I feel like school was pretty much a waste of money and time. It's almost over. And i'm rushing, and brainstorming, and i'm struggling. I shouldn't have fucked up at the beginning. I should have cared more.

I'm always making mistakes. And having regrets.
Letting things get to me too much again.
It's a funny Amber phase.

Linda told her mother about us. Finally.. and it went well. Unfortunately, i haven't been out to her place in several weeks, perhaps even months.. because.. well.. her dad is a gigantic homophobe on top of everything else. Her sisters are intimidating to me. Family dealings with relationships have always been difficult for me. I'm going with her family to see Eddie Izzard at the end of May. That includes dinner, and conversation, and should overall be an interesting night. I'm freaking out on the inside about it. It's a lame feeling... hopefully all goes well.

College

2008-04-22T21:22:25Z

There's like five weeks, if that, left of each of my four classes. Oh the joys of trying college for the first time. And trying to start a new job smack dab in the middle. AND the joys of not being able to handle, or want to deal with, anything.

It's lame that the photography department doesn't have online grades.

As of right now, i have 73% in my introduction to professional photo class.
I probably have somewhere around 80% in my design class, i'm unsure because the grading sheet and course items are constantly changing.
I just checked my lame math class, 81%..

And i've turned in like.. three assignments to my friday night black and white class.. so i'm probably at about.. .05% Otherwise known as, fucked/failing.

I was hoping to pass all of my classes, and damn right..
I'm still going to try and catch up with BW, but the teacher is a fucking prehistoric idiot.
Oh god. Oh fuck. Whatever. Off to class, or something..

monday, mourning, mundane

2008-04-07T15:14:55Z

I managed to get fired after i put in my two weeks at SA. Corporate situations and Amber don't mix.

I've been angry, and depressing about life for the past three weeks.
I'm tired of hearing my own voice. I'm tired of trying to articulate.

Fuck it. I'll be an AMERICAN. Indifference. Woot. Woot. Woot.
dog eat dog. god eat god. human kill human.

Now i plan to just sit back, and watch. Wait for it..

Waiting...

For..

It.

Hurricanes, Earthquakes, Volcanoes, Tornadoes, Acid Rain, Mass Flooding.
Terrorists, Police Abuse, Government Failure.

Waiting for it. Any of it. And so much more.

Heading to the dentist in a bit here. Going to get my cavity drilled. That sounds fun. Giant novacaine needles. That silly nitrous nose mask. Trying to get my mouth open wide while all fucked up on their drugs, with cracked corners of the mouth, sounds beautifully enjoyable. Listening to them drill out the decay, then fill it with whatever substance they deem safe this year, and thennnn.. they're going to shave off the excess, and i'm not supposed to swallow this substance, but we all know some of it will go down the hatch. Being a dentist is nasty. I can't image the shit you'd see. I mean, i think my teeth are bad.. but then i think of my father, or anyone like him.. and i feel a lot better. Funny that comparing people leads people to feel better about themselves. "You think you have it bad.. what about the starving kids in africa?" LMFAO. Right. Because they know there's a world outside of theirs where Americans are overweight from eating their share of food. Hilarious. Just priceless right there.

I have to drive all fucked up from the dentist, which is an enjoyable experience provided... i make it to where i'm going. Have got to go see my ex-manager to get my paycheck from whichever week. They really fucked me though. I mean, if i was desperate for their money, i would have completely, totally, fought that shit. Uhm. Hey, you can't fire me after i already quit... and i'm finishing up my two weeks. You can't fire me for saying a little tid bit of something at a meeting, and given the opportunity to leave, by the headhoncho.. i left. I know the men or women, or robots up in corporate were upset that i hate their establishment.. and that they really didn't want me to stay there, working my ass off, to get my last $400.. because you see, that would be taking money from them, and if the worker ant steps out of line, that worker ant gets tossed in the ravine. Sad day. Not really though. I'm so happy i'm not suck in that fucking gas station for 30 hours of my week. Stupid fucking people.

I've got a lot to catch up on in college. Now that i wasted my time with a new job.. i wasted time i could have gotten shit done, and i wouldn't be so behind.. and i like to sit and bitch, but i do it. eventually. i turn it in. I just want the fucking clouds to break so i can make more interesting photos. I'm tired of taking rediculously technical shots that blow balls.

So.
So.
So.
Much.
To.
Doooooo.

Shoot me in the head

2008-03-27T18:58:54Z

This entry might worry whomever reads it. But really, you'll know when you should be truly worried. There'd probably be a goodbye message posted here. Not myspace tho. Cause then the cops would be here in 2 minutes.

I really hate my life right now. I don't think i've been soooooo depressed since i hated being gay and being gay bashed in JUNIOR HIGH. How many years ago is that? I haven't a fucking clue. Everyday is a century. And every day is also Monday. Today is monday. Tomorrow is monday. and Yesterday, was, in fact, Monday.

I'm failing two of my four college classes because either they're rediculous, or i never gave the assignments the time of day, and that class is my last priority, that college is my last priority, but really.. out of my three.. it comes in second.

1. Satan's Slave @ SuperAmerica
2. America's Slave @ College
3. Mike's Slave @ the Shed

Why are these things my three priorities? Well because 1 and 3 make me money, money i need in order to exist in a world that revolves around wealth, the have and the have nots, the peace and the war. And because 2, College, i was kind of forced into by my health insurance suddenly being extinct.. so i had to enroll, and it made sense to go to HTC because Kevin would go with me, and it's close, more importantly, it was the cheapest. I decided to Major in Professional Photography because that also made sense, because i love photography, my truly artistic passionate, photo. Unfortunately because i didn't pay enough money, and because i didn't INVESTIGATE my teachers, and classes, and fellow students, i really got fucked. This is not at all what i wanted. So i quit the Tin Shed, because driving when gas was $3.00 a gallon was not a good idea when there wasn't enough business to make sufficient tips to cover my gas costs. And i turned in an application for the gas station. 2 months later, i'm working both positions. Unfortunately my recruiter failed to tell me what a BITCH job being Coffee Steward is. Failed to tell me heavy lifting was involved. Failed to tell me a lot. And also, unfortunately, i work at one of the "low profile" stores, meaning, it pretty much sucks. And i really hate my job, more than i hate delivering pizzas, except it pays me more. And since i was forced into going to college, i was also forced into getting a student loan to pay for the college, and there for, forced into getting a job that makes REAL money.. working for an oil company. Sigh.

So what have i learned, sitting here at the bottom of the American food chain?

I have learned:
If something feels wrong. Don't fucking do it.
If something is forced upon you, force it back to Hell.
Investigate everything and anything before you buy, sell, or agree to employment.

I'm quitting super america, because otherwise i'd have to quit school, even tho... i'd rather be quitting both. I thought i wasn't a quitter. I thought i was able to handle real life pressure and anxiety. Gas station employees are a breed. And it's simply not in my pedigree. My last day is Wednesday, April 9th.

Today fucking sucked, and there's no need to go into detail. It was just the worst of the 9 days i've worked there. And i've updated my assignment board, which only stresses me more. It's way too much. It's way too expensive and time consuming on something i know i'm not going to follow through with at the particular college. I'm going to take my nap now, so i can wake up and go work a full shift of delivering pizzas at the Shed. Yay.

you are an unruly translucent
a dirty windshield with a shifting view
so many cunning running landscapes
for my dented door to open into
i just wanna tune out all the billboards
weld myself a mental shield
i just wanna put down all the pressures
and feel how i really feel

You've Got My Word On It! SuperAmerica Employeeeee

2008-03-24T19:02:35Z

I never got that bookstore job. I was supposed to. I was actually the only person who qualified. Unfortunately, i didn't "qualify" because i have to come from a single parent family, or just be dirt poor to get a job at college. Why, that's nice...

I am overwhelmed.
I am overstressed.
I am overanxious.
I am in way over my head.
I am an "adult."

College:
So spring break was a useless piece of shit, and i would have rather not had a "break", because really all the teachers decided it'd be really hysterical to give twice the amount of homework, all of the teachers except Rebecca, i'm gaining more respect for her... (compared to the others)...

Here amber, go buy $8 transparency film so we can put it in our projector that we never use in class, or at any other time considering the amount of dust and sadness of the machine. Here amber, go shoot this assignment on equivalent exposures, and depth of field, and everything thing else you already know. Here amber, go write a paper on the same design element that you're proving you know by your shooting assignment. Here amber, because you don't like essays and spoke out about it in class, i'm going to assign everyone more work, i think it'll make an example out of you. Here amber, just fucking quit coming to class because i, your professor, am the biggest moron ever to be teaching in a college, and i don't like that you're different. It's also your problem if you can't turn an assignment in on time. We don't take into account that people have lives, and people need family, and people also need JOBS to PAY for the WORTHLESS EDUCATION i'm giving you.

Work:
I filled shifts at the Tin Shed because two of the three most entertaining people quit. Why did they quit? Well because Mike, the owner, is a big fucking asshole entrepenuer. And Fuck him too. I "quit" in January.. however, because a manager, sue, is just a sweetheart, i told her i'd be a standby driver, and fill in when coworkers can't make it. Mistake. Mike boosted the delivery fee to $2.50 in an attempt to make his drivers more money... however, this doesn't work because 80% of people think that the 2.50 is a portion of our tip. And not to mention america's economy is doomed, so people tip less. FUCK SPELL CHECK PROGRAMMERS FOR TELLING ME AMERICA IS SPELLED INCORRECTLY BECAUSE IT'S NOT CAPITALIZED. So i work at the Tin Shed, Thursday + Sunday 5pm to 10pm. Sometimes i get deliveries, sometimes i don't, same with tips. If Mike wanted his drivers to stick around, he'd pay us $7.50 an hour, and drop the fee entirely. Instead he just wants more money for his already overpriced food.

I filled out an application for Super America gas station the same time i "quit" the Shed. In the middle of March i got a call back from the distract manager of SA. I got an interviewed. For some reason he wanted to "continue" with me. From there i sat in a little room with fake wallpaper and no clock watching videos on Super America/Speedway policies. Such as Why and How to ID someone when buying alcohol or cigarettes. Duh. Such as, the YOU HAVE MY WORD ON IT, and FAST FRIENDLY AND CLEAN. LMFAO. Also, a 10 minute video on the products that make shards. And how to log such transactions, and how much to sell to whomever within a time period. Okay. That's nice. I work at the SA a few minutes from my house in Savage. My first two days of training were entirely overwhelming, and was done by the assistant manager, Scott. Scott is awesome. He is like Tom Green combined with Heidi LeMay, and Shaggy from Scooby Doo. My third day of training i met my real manager, Chris. Much more strict, and much more manager-like... however, it gets to be a little much sometimes. It fucking sucks, but as the over night fellow, Jake, who started around the same time as me says, "You have to start somewhere." I don't think i should be at SA, but i need money for three important things: College Tuition, Gas, and Photography. I obviously don't make enough money driving my car with pizzas in it, so making coffee... monday through friday... 6am to noon... with college 4 days a week, is how it has to be. Keep on keeping on? It'll get better? Yeah, okay... i want YOUR prescription.

I was going to go off on all the shit i have to do...
but we'll save that for another day,
on account that i've been up since 5am, i have class in a few hours, and i have a tedious paper to write.

New Job, Leaving Soon

2008-02-01T16:29:28Z

I landed a new job. My interview was yesterday. I train in today. Guess what i'm doing?!

I'm going to be doing work-study through HTC in the student bookstore. I was the only candidate who could work all the hours.. Mon 7:30-Noon, Wednesday 7:30-Noon, Thursday 12-2pm, Friday 12-3pm. My first "priority" is to help the students who come into the bookstore. That's fannnnntastic. Then my second part of the job is to do whatever projects the main ladies give to me. Boxing books, unloading books, barcoding.. and guess what else? I get paid $8 an hour. I work 16 hours a week. and not to mention it's at school... like across from the library and down the hall from the photography department. I start today at noon. =)

Our flight departs for cali @ 9pm, tomorrow night. Hoping to get there by 7ish because the securitas has to rape my camera bag, and hand inspect my rollios of film. I'm way excited. I need to pack. Katie's borrowing me her ipod, which is sweeeetttttt! My mp3 rocks, but only holds 250.. and for a 5 day trip, oh no, oh no, that is not enough music.

"Come on Kids, Eat those Pills,
You've got you're whole life to Lose."

You would think....

2008-01-27T16:15:05Z

that people should have different relationships. Why treat all women or men the exact same as the last person in your life? Different places, different poses.. no, not really. It's kind of disappointing. Just a notch in the headboard, oh yes.. and this person i'm referring to has a long line of notches, the exact same length, depth, and style.

Hilarious.

LG. hahaha.

2008-01-26T07:18:52Z

LG.. "Life's Good" yeah, you better get the joke.

I made a shit ton of acquaintances in class tonight. One of the girls is in my other two photo classes, so she'll probably be the female Kevin for a while. The ladies who i thought were french, are most certainly russian. Why do foreign girls have to be so sexual ALL the time? Maybe it's just cause i like foreign ladies.. but seriously.. the one girl is like a pervert. Lmfao. A lot of people have no idea what they're doing, and tonight i sort of made it clear that i know what's up.. so my classmates started asking me questions instead of the professor. he's kind of spacey, and drags on, and talks way too complex... he can't explain things in a simple manner.. then there's me, and i'm a stoner (which i doubt they all know).. but slow and simple is the way to be! Especially with a bunch of clueless girls!

I miss MY girl. I've seen her twice this week... but in like.. 10 minute bursts.. i fucking love her sooo much, that not seeing her is killing me. I was trying to convince her to come to california with me and my parents, but she's convinced she can't miss her classes. I know i'd have a better time if she was with me...

Yeah, there's the really good news... my parents and i found a really good deal online to stay at a fancy hotel in rodondo beach... and we're planning on going to this chain of islands... called the channel islands national park... scuba diving, and like.. island adventuring.. i'm really fucking excited. I'm also trying to find a tattoo artist out there to do a tattoo of a redwood tree trunk with a sloth or an oranguatan hanging off of it.. (hugging it, essentially).. with a big fat doobie hanging out of his mouth.. rehehehe.. i found a guy named Swag, from Venice.. planning on emailing him tomorrow.

Woot. I need to go to bed.. i'm helping the McClellan's move tomorrow

Another Rant.. Busy, Purple Bonnie, Photoooooo

2008-01-23T04:24:18Z

So lately i've been getting rather easily irritated. For example.. i feel like i'm the only person in this house who does a lot of things. And after a real long day of classes... it's not ok with me to have to fend for myself for food, or clean dishes, or clean laundry. It's like i take my parents for granted, only when they're not doing what they typically do. It's like... a life lesson to be self-relient. It doesn't help that i'm stoned as fuck most the time and forget about such things as laundry...

I'm getting my new car tomorrow. THANK GOD.. Blue has been a piece of shit for so many weeks.. and i haven't driven her in like.. a full week.. i've been in the pimp mobile, but that's a gas guzzler.. and it's really unnecessary. But the only way i'm able to get my car tomorrow is if the dealership man doesn't cash our check until the weekend.. because my mom forgot about the 3 day period on our loan where you can change your mind.. more circumstances include: driving my mother to work in the morning, to wake up kevin before our math class, go to class, potentially leave early if the old bag tries to make us stay until four, and then book it to mystic to grab my mom from work.. and sppppeeeeed like a muthafucker down 169 to make it to New Ulm in under 2 hours. A LOT. Or am i wrong?

Teachers at Hennepin Tech are pretty much.... students.
(I realize i already talked about teachers in my last post... )
Monday teacher: I like him, his name is funny, but he's never taught before. Insane. Unstable.
Tuesday teacher: She's only like 25, her favorite word is UHM, or UHH. Spaced-Out. Strict/ANAL.
Wednesday: Old woman teacher. Seems like she can teach math. Unlike COLIN.
Friday: I hear he's a douche. He kind of is. He's going to treat me like a moron.. because nobody in that class has ever worked with FILM. Now that is blasphemy. Good news about that class is that it's a bunch of lovely girls.

I need to find a new job. I've applied online at a few caribous. I picked up two apps for gas stations today. And i plan to apply at canterbury inn to be a housekeeper with Angie.

Kevin and I went to this new art supply/gallery in downtown Shakopee called Very Berrie. It's not only a cheaper supply store.. it's a fucking gallery with LOCAL and MODERN artists. I talked to the guy who manages it for the owner, and he gave me the owner's business card.. said to e-mail her and send her a link to some of my photography that i have in mind. OH BOY. I'd be happy to sell a print for $7.

It's Over + First week o College

2008-01-18T16:09:28Z

I put in my two weeks notice at the Tin Shed.

Here's a few reasons why: I get paid minimum wage, Gas prices are crazy, People Unlearned how to tip due to economic crisis, Only hotties and old people have tipped me well in the past several weeks, I'm just NOT breaking even with a paycheck of $80 every TWO weeks, None of my co-workers except for Laura EVER work for me - while i've covered a shift for every driver, I hate the policies at the Tin Shed, I think it's bullshit that we only get 15% off on meals, And it's bullshit we don't get lockers to protect our valuables, and working at a fucking resturuant is just a bucket of stress even IF you're not a server. The Owner is a fucking DICK. His name should have been Richard instead of Michael.

I had to tell the sweetest old lady manager i have that i was quitting. She tried to entice me into staying at the Shed. Apparently, Mike is going to make the delivery fee $2.50 instead of $1.50, but at the same time.. that could make it so people are less willing to tip, thinking the shed is some how tipping us to deliver.. but really, it's for fucking gas. People are retarded. Mostly people in Prior Lake, for the record. She also told me that we are going to start delivering roasted chicken in buckets... like KFC? I laughed a little bit and said, "Well you know what? I'd love to try a bucket of chicken. I'll have it delivered. On a Thursday night, when i'm not working." She was quite shocked when i told her about Renegades, a competing bar down the highway, beginning a delivery service in January. Should have seen her face. Hilarious. Anyway....she was successful at convincing me to be a Stand By driver. So basically, i'm still at the Shed, but only if they need me to cover some stupid asshole's shift. And only if i'm available.

Needless to say... i was really out of it last night, it was a long day and long shift and i was so emotional i felt like i had three vaginas and all of them were bleeding at once. I know that's kind of extreme, but seriously.

Hamell -
I need more than inspiration tonight
I've got a chill in my soul and everyone wants to fight
and I'm tired, I'm scared, and nothing seems right
I'm disconnected
I'm disconnected

Well i know it's a fashion to say I don't care
to give the cynics knowing glance and grunt, "I been there"
but no sooner does this pass my lips then I'm wrapped in despair
I'm disconnected

Early in the morning it's just about 3
I'm carrying a lantern and I'm looking for me
I ain't here nor there that as far as i can
see and love thy neighbor that's a big goal
love like an enemy like yelling down a hole
could be comprehension, just might save our souls

I got a flat tire
my car's broke down on the information highway
leading far out of town
I'm not downloaded I'm just loaded and down
I'm disconnected
I'm disconnected
Yeah Yeah Yeah

TV and the radio and the mail and phone
The road the hood the church the bars and right here at home
I stop to think a crowd walks by i feel so alone
and I need more than inspiration tonight
I've got a chill in my soul and everyone wants to fight
I'm tired, I'm scared, and nothing seems right
I'm disconnected, I'm disconnected.

--- College ---

I started HTC on Monday. It's surprising how many old people go to that school... but i guess old people need an Edumacation too, especially considering what the high school standards were back in ze Day. My monday night instructor seems relatively easy to get a long with, kind of spacey, reminds me of Mr. Amundsen from the High school. My tuesday night instructor has a bit of crumpet stuck inside of her. Seems kind of like a douchebagger, but i suppose i really can't say until i've had more time in her classroom. Kevin and I are taking PreAlgebra. HILARIOUS! Do you know how easy that math is? Much easier than Pre-Calc for shizzle. It's an easy elective, and we didn't want to study to test out. I'm really excited to get passed the bullshit of the first few weeks and get into the projects hard core.

I already have an excellent idea for a photoshoot involving Azaleah as a crazed artist. Hells yeah, hopefully the technique i'm going with actually turns out.

--- Other ---

My one year anniversary with Linda is on Monday. =)

Uh huh.

2008-01-10T17:41:31Z

So i found out why my account was overdrawn. This rediculous site that i ordered an French album off of.. finally like, got a new shipment, or ordered across the seas.. whatever, they have the album, so they decided to charge my credit card.. it was like.. -13, and because of this... m&i bank charged me a 30 overdraft fee. Some how that equals $46 in the hole. Which means, i need to make some fucking money and i need to do it now.

WARNING: Rant, Shit talking, Criticizing-

Certain people irk me. Just their habits, actually. These people i've known for YEARS... one of them... dates a douchebag.. well, he's just a douche bag to all of her friends.. including me, he knows we dislike him, but we only dislike him cause he's a fucking JERK. A cynical asshole if you will. Another friend.. has this problem of being pessimistic and nearly depressed every fucking time i see her. Annoying. I can't talk about my gf, because she'll get depressed and start bawling over her last failed relationship. All of her relationships have been quite unhealthy. Speaking of unhealthy relationships... i've been in quite a few myself. The last person i'm talking shit about can't seem to be single for more than a week. She goes from person to person without even blinking an eye. Her relationships aren't meaningless but they never last.. because she gets bored, doesn't think it's worth it.. and very shortly after breaking someone's heart.. she easily captures someone else's. Pure insanity.

Great Way to wake up!

2008-01-10T16:36:27Z

I was supposed to give my mom a ride to work so i could take her truck and pick up my car. So my mom calls me at 9am.. i tell her i'll somehow come get her truck if i need it, no way i was getting up that early. I felt so tired.

My dad calls. I didn't answer.

My bank calls. My banker tells me my account is overdrawn. Really? That's funny. I haven't used my card in over a week. And when i did, i checked the balance first.. said i had $44 in there. I took out 40. I needed gas. Desperately. She says my account is overdrawn $46. Two ATM withdrawals and one purchase. THAT'S EVEN FUNNIER! Why? Because i don't use my fucking card to make purchases. I call my dad to ask if he knows what the fuck is going on... he laughs and tells me i'd better put some money in there.. i laugh and say, What fucking money. I'm down to two days of work. Thursday and Saturday. I work 7 1/2 hours a week at a rate of 6.15 a fucking hour... that's about $46 a week. I get paid every two weeks. So i'll have about an 80 dollar check. that's HILARIOUS! isn't it? 80 dollars every two fucking weeks. Oh Oh, i forgot about tips... The problem with tips is there's about three weeks when no body cares to order from the shed, and then there's one week where it's busy as fuck. Also pretty hilarious.

I brought my car to the shop yesterday because it was leaking antifreeze and smoking all up under my hood. Of course i get it there, and Matt can't "Get it to leak"... WHAT THE FUCK! If my fucking car breaks down tonight, while i'm at work, i'm going to cyphen all the gas from the tank with a hose and then proceed to cover my car in gasoline... i will then smoke a cigarette, and attempt to light the fire with my cig, of course this won't happen.. so i'll just bring a fucking zippo and watch the piece of shit burn down. Hopefully it explodes and i'm impaled with shrapnel.

FUCK CELLPHONES

2008-01-08T19:02:15Z

My cell phone bill is $400. Why? Gee, i can't find out without a password i never knew. You need A PASSWORD to access your cell phone acCunt? Just to find out why those pricks are charging me wayyyyyy too much to even HAVE a cell phone. $25 for picture mail and access to the internet, including.. access to download new ringers? ringers i also have to pay for? Cell phone companies might as well be the IRS. All they fucking care about is raping you for every cent you have.

New Years & Snow Fun

2008-01-07T18:27:09Z

I had a great new years. Tony, Linda and I were over at the neighbor's house drinking our asses off. It was an amazing party. I obviously had too much to drink like much of the world that night.. and i proceeded to puke for about.. 2 1/2 hours. Early into the morning. I vomitted so violently that i broke blood vessels on my throat and around my mouth. Linda took care of me until i begged her to wake my parents. She's such a great lady.

Yesterday i decided to go to Norwood to help Mallory pack up her room. We smoked a few bowls and headed to Waconia for her to show me her new place. I some how talked her into going into the awesome cemetery on top of the hill... it was fine at first.. partially plowed, she could have turned around.. but she freaked out where i told her to back up, because she got stuck.. so she proceeded down an even worse road. Needless to say, her hoopdee got stuck when the sticky wet melting snow came up to it's bodyframe. I used a plastic wiffle bat to dig out her tires, and we heaved and hoed... but we just didn't have enough dykepower to get it to budge. We called her parents on my cell.. as it was rapidly dying. They showed up with two shovels and a bag of kitty litter. The sun was setting as we walked back down to the stuck car... it was so beautiful, bright ass pink and what not... Mallory was being VERY pessimistic. We might have been better off if she was sitting in her mom's car. She just aggravated her parents, and made the situation more difficult. By 5:30, the sun was completely gone, and luckily.. the car was no longer stuck in the snow. Mal kept saying, wait until tomorrow, your body will be hurtin.

I woke up this morning.... in a lot of pain. Tony needed a ride to work. I ever so carefully dressed myself, finding my coat was too heavy for my body.. started my car... planned to go pick up my birth control that my mom had been putting off to the point where.. if i don't get it today, my period's completely fucked. Wandered back inside, got Tony to the car, when i realized my car was smoking under the hood. I pop the hood and basically just stare at the piece of shit for a good 10 minutes before deciding i hate my life and want to go back to bed. Found tony a ride to work.

My back is fucking killing me. All that pushing through the snow.. My neck is sore from god knows what.. my arms are just jello.. like seriously, i'm not at all in shape.. and i definitely overworked myself by about... 890% yesterday.

Fuck work. I called in, told Michelle my car was broke down.. she took down my number.. and i assume someone will be calling me later to give me shit about not going. Like i could even LIFT a pizza bag! It would just be REDONKULOUS! my God.

I'm trying to get a new car. A new bonneville. I'd like to light mine on fire and then drive it off a cliff with a full tank, and full gas cans in the trunk and passanger's seat for the ultimate explosion. This is the new car i want. http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/car/531127856.html

Mushrooms, Art School + Work Related Rant

2007-12-28T10:04:45Z

i kind of sort of went to the city and bought some mushrooms. then i kind of sort of talked kevin into it. and linda, kevin, and i kind of sort of tripped at linda's house that night. it was fucking insane. they decided, incase they were bunk, i should eat mine first. 20 minutes later, i was feeling sick and lying my head on linda, kind of spinning. So we smoked a bong. We went back downstairs because it was THEIR turn.. Tony made me freak out first. I was on the other side of the kitchen isle and he asked me to get him some root beer.. while he asked, he also had a slice of pizza in his mouth so his words were all muffled.. he added, "because i have a big head a little arms.." and i couldn't take it. Bursting into laughter, seeing Tony as the Dino from Meet the Robinsons, crashing to the floor, tears pouring down my face... and that's only the beginning. I then proceeded to watch "Salmon Dance" by the Chemical Brothers.. Rehehehe.. Linda's puppy felt so crazy between my fingertips.. I kept petting right over his face cause it was silly. I helped her put the dogs to bed and came downstairs to see Kevin trippin' out to the little icon on his myspace page. We smoked a lot of cigarettes. Kevin and I wandered up Linda's spiral staircase.. there's a video i posted somewhere, let me know if you want to see it. Tony eventually tagged the staircase Narnia.. and it's nevereeeeending. Linda put in a Michael Gondry DVD.. he's a trippy as fuck music video director.. we were all so sucked into the television until bjork's video Hyper-Ballad. Tony and Linda left the room in protest. The TV was literally shaking off the entertainment center. It was fucked up. Immediately following Hyper Ballad, was her video Joga, Kevin and I were just... way way into it. Once the videos began repeating themselves.. Linda and I went up to Narnia and just played there for what seemed like two hours.. which.. was probably more like a half hour, if that.. Kevin put in Pink Floyd's the Wall.. My fingers felt dehydrated like i was drunk, and i was so fucking amazed by linda's hands, i couldn't stop playing with them and that's almost where it ends. Definitely the best trip i've ever had!

Linda's Satan Dog, i was trippin out, carrying her up to her crib.

What i've decided i'm doing with college is.. starting at HTC in January, going there until June, and then Possibly Maybe, hopefully.. going to the Institute of Arts in downtown. I would fucking love it.. and i want to.. oh so badly.

Tonight at work i almost murdered someone. Well, not really.. but i certainly felt like i should have. Everything was really chaotic, and i hadn't worked in a good 5 days, thanks to xmas, and it was just overwhelming as fuck. I was highly annoyed even going to work, and things were horrible up until 8pm.. when i calmed the fuck down, and didn't have to go pizza running for dipshits who don't tip. I was ready to quit tonight. I'm just wayyyyyy too moody.

For X-Mas + Birthday:
Ani Clothes, Lots of them
Ani Set o' Mugs from Linderee <3
Avenging Unicorn Playset ''
Old Tegan + Sara album ''
Mac Lethal album ''
Polar Fleece blankie that my parents made together, one side peguins the other side rainbows!
Giant blankie with a photo of my kitten, Silk Master Flex
Xbox360
TomTom
Ferrero Rocher!
1GB Mp3 Player
Optimus Prime action figure
Gift Cards
and i consider Kevin picking up a hoodie, a xmas gift.

Kind of got a lot. More than i ever wanted, or expected.
Spoiled this year. It's alright, it makes up for not having much of a xmas last year.

*The only reason i'm awake this late is because we finished the bottle with like 6 jag bombs and the red bull has me wired, for the first time ever*

Representing, and a different college?

2007-12-19T21:44:00Z

Last friday night i went to norwood, got a little drunk, and tony drove back to Shakopee. My neighbor was having a big party. There was a lot of fighting. Fists flying everywhere. I heard WES shouting about his broken jaw, so i went over there to see what was going on. Everyone was plastered, they had a keg, and everyone was extra aggressive. Silly, most of the attendees were friends of my departed Brother. The neighbor tells everyone to leave, and they're all puttin' their shoes on.. i offer to bring the drunks where they need to go. Essentially... i feel proud of this because not only did i go over there to help, i really did. I brought a bunch of stupid adults home who would have driven drunk hadn't i been an option. Tony did all the driving. But nonetheless, it was a good deed.

So my mom was trying to get a $500 von maur gift card, and it was the type of thing where you have to fill out a bunch of offers from other companies to get it.. some how, she went into something for scholarships... and some how submitted information to the Minneapolis Institute of Arts. A woman from the school called me, and we set up an interview/tour/whatever for noon. I brought Kevin.. which totally made sense. We sat in her office for like an hour, asked a bunch of questions and listened to her talk.. then we toured the school. Yes. Please? We walked into the darkroom, and the smell of the chemicals just... really... relaxed me, i felt at home. Their enlargers are fucking sweet! Their computer labs have those kick ass photo printers... like... the ones you see in the HP photo lab on THE SHOT. So i really want to go now.... knowing that HTC isn't really the best school, but it's still... a school... My parents said they'd paid for me to go to MCAD if it's really what i wanted to do, and that's $40 per semester.. or year. Minneapolis Institute is like $20,000 per quarter (three classes each qrt).. Still quite expensive, but if they meant what they said about sending me to MCAD, they'll send me for half price to a different school.

I also went and saw Azaleah today. Didn't stay long, but i'm hoping to kick it with her relatively soon. Thank you Izzy. =)

Snowfall and then some..

2007-12-07T05:09:07Z

Last friday night Linda spent the night at my house. We were praying for 6 feet of snow, so then she wouldn't leave the next day. Unfortunately, we got about 6 or so inches and i had to work. She begged me to call in all day.. but i refused. Mistake. Jameson, that little prick, called in and said he didn't have a car. He wasn't coming.. and the snow kept falling. We eventually got a hold of the other driver, Mark, turns out he was in a ditch for a few hours waiting for the tow truck. I was the only driver, and it took FOREVER to get ANYWHERE... families from the Wilds Golf Course Area..... the furthest zone from the Tin Shed.... decided to order, all night.. at different times. I picked up Tony from work in between a delivery and he wanted to stay with me in the truck.. considering i'd be there all night. It was the best thing that happened all night. He helped clean the ice off my windshield at stoplights... kept everything working properly.. and just made the night so much easier. Laura ended up taking 4 orders, and i took 5... She convinced Pat to close at 730, and i was so thankful that i drove us to Victoria to her guy for some green... in the blizzard.

Tuesday night. More snow. And guess what? Amber works! Hurrfuckingrah. It wasn't as bad as saturday, yet it still made me regret being a delivery driver.

Kevin and Tony convinced Linda to come over tonight. =) We're waiting on her. It should be a very very very nice evening, ja.

Linda

2007-11-29T06:55:59Z

Tony and Linda has some business tonight. Tony's friend was driving him to mound to take care of it. I went with. I sat in a car for about two hours, when i could've been dosing off to sleep, or just being cozy in my house.... two hours (there and back)... just to see her. To touch her. and Kiss her. And god, it was so worth it. She's worth all of the strange or crazy shit i do for her or with her. She blows my mind. It's amazing. <3

Finally...

2007-11-28T19:30:52Z

So finally we have a new computer, and the internet. Thank god. It has been so long!

I signed up for classes. It cuts a bit into my work time, but Heather offered me some of the hosting hours.. hosts make 8 bucks an hour, i make 6.15.. plus tips. i'm considering doing both, but i'm not sure how it's all going to work out. we'll see. i'm working four days in a row this week. kind of lame. i'm hoping to take off my birfday... who should work on their fuckin' birthday? and if i do have to work, i'll bribe Joe into closing for me.

Linda isn't moving. What a relief. I'm so crazy about that girl. It's pure insanity... and grand times... and wow.

I've been slowing trying to deal with Tom's death. Ok, i've been trying harder, recently. I sort of work next to one of the guys that found him. Witnesses. I asked my mom for the police report. I've been scanning over it. I have lots of questions, i don't know where they begin, and i don't know who has my answers, if anyone. So the guy who found him, well, i found that guy on myspace. For sure it's him. Yes. And i'd much rather send him a message than try to talk to him in person, atleast the message first... even though he's always working next to me... my parents and shawn met him, i don't know what they talked about. i don't know if he remembers. ok. well. of course he remembers. how could you forget stumbling upon a single car accident with a guy laying half dead in the road? maybe he won't want to talk about it. but i kind of feel you know... he owes it to me, well... no, he was just unlucky, but he may be the only person i have to find some of my answers... jesus, look at this rambling...

Fifteen Weeks

2007-10-17T04:55:58Z

I landed a job, mostly thanks to Lizz. Actually, i don't know that for sure, i could have gotten the job, possibly, either way. I'm a happy delivery driver down at the Tin Shed Tavern. I enjoy the people i work with.. except for the new guy they hired a few weeks after me, he's nice and all, but he's creepy. You'd have to spend time with him to understand. I'm working more and more the longer i'm there.. paid minimum wage, every two weeks, and my check is pretty much worthless.. however, if i could save money, i'd feel differently. Also the tips are pretty hardcore. Depending. But either way, tips go a long way.

Trying to not buy so many bags.. it's bad for my wallet. In fact, tomorrow i'm planning to spend money on getting photos developed and buying photo frames. Something i can enjoy longer than a weekend.

I applied for college. Technical college. Which is something i never thought i would slump to, but also, i never thought i'd be going to the Co-Op. Shit happens... i mean, who really knew what they were going to do when they were young? Life happens... Death too. I'm going for photography, if they accept me, pretty sure they can't not accept me though. Haha. I win.

My relationship with Linda has been going well, still. It's kind of a surprise to me, to be honest. I didn't know it would work out like this, but we are both very happy. There's still some drama. Sometimes drunks do stupid things. And there's only two or three people in her life that know about us.. I try to understand not wanting to be outed, but it's hard. I try not to take it personally. God knows i shouldn't. I confessed i loved her, and she followed up a few weeks later. I can't get enough of her.. so it would be a shame if her and her mother ended up moving to California.. let's pray that doesn't happen.

Uh huh

2007-07-03T19:02:36Z

Still, i don't have a computer. How annoying it can be. I hate coming to places to use the internet. My actions are limited. A dur.

Kevin and i went to Binghamton. The greyhound idea wasn't the smartest one i've had in a while. We smoked a lot. It was good to see Casey again. I miss her.

Had my grad party. Oh joy. Everyone asking me what i want to do with my life.... uhhhhhmmmm.... yeah. Made hella bank. Ended up spending $140 getting my Canon AE fixed.

I've been awfully depressed, and lazy, and stoner-like. I just want to make art again. Started cleaning out Tom's closet for the darkroom... basically... waiting on Kevin to get back into town so we can go buy the chemicals and get shit started. I miss school. Mainly photo, and yeah, construction too. But not Gary. I do not miss Gary. He's still an asshole.

Linda and I are doing well. =)

I'm going to wander across the street to find out if Allison is still offering me that job. If she's not.. i'm going to go down under the bridge and enjoy my Jay.

Gloomy

2007-05-21T21:20:58Z

Brittny bailed out on my dreads. So i left Azaleah a message. Eventually she got back to me, and i picked her up from the cities. my dreads are finished. this is a wonderful feeling. it was ironic because i was with azaleah all day last year when Tommy died, and she was about to finish my dreads this time around. Today's there's this memorial at the Cemetery. My mom wants me to speak, yet i haven't written anything... i don't know what to say, or what to write.. or anything. i'm not in touch with my emotions. i'm really quite splattered all over the place. here and there. there and here. what the hell. I'm feeling differently, or rather indifferently about a lot of things... we'll see how graduation on friday goes.

Fucked

2007-04-20T05:17:50Z

I have no idea. No fucking idea. I'm exhausted. Emotionally. Physically. I could sleep for days.

Instead i'm going to bed, when Kevin gets his ass up.. in T-minus 3 minutes.. and i'm getting up at 4:15, for obvious reasons, falling back asleep by 6am, waking up at 9:15 to drive my mother Bear to work. And then coming back here to sleep until like 11.

Kevin, Linda and I are leaving for Winona at 2:30ish.

Things could be worse.
Things are well. I like sleep.